The hardest role to play in life is that of being a parent. We (Because I am One) often think, way before they are born, will I mess them up? Am I ready? What if she grows up not to like/love me? What will they wear to their wedding? Will she choose the right man? Etc, Etc, Etc. A mother's role goes into so many different levels. However, the one question that we never ask ourselves is what do I lack in my relationship with my mother, which would potentially cause me to over or under-parent? Have you ever just thought about your childhood while you were preparing, during, or after pregnancy and said that you do not want to be my mother or yes, my mother was perfect, or yes I would never do that to my child? This is showing you that either you learn a healthier way to parent or you lack the benefit of whatever it is you are eliminating.
For example One of the hardest questions a parent must ask themselves, especially in our modern society, is "To Spank or Not To Spank". That is the question. This can be due to your parent's borderline abusing you when spanking if not full abuse, not receiving spankings as a child and feeling that you turned out ok, or religious beliefs like "spare the rod spoil the child". My son said when my granddaughter was born that he was not going to spank them. I said ok, what will you do instead? He said I will just talk to them. I said ok what will be your method of discipline? He said, "I don't know, depends on the situation". Well suffice it to say, he is now a believer in not sparing the rod. This occurs because while the parent wants to do something different, they don't come fully prepared with a plan for change, so they result back into how they were disciplined, which can sometimes be worse because they are trying so hard not to be their parents that they are doing so with no direction and no guidance of how or why they are doing it this way. This is when abusing the child can come into question. I never whipped or even lectured them without them knowing What they did wrong, why, and what behavior I expect them to change. But if you ask my children as adults, I WAS MEAN. Lol, But don't all kids believe their parents were mean and put restrictions on their lives? Looking back, I admit, my kids had a lot of restrictions on them because of our faith, the location in which we lived, and my education (being a mom in counseling school is tough on a kid...they sometimes become the experiment lol). However, over time we learned how to communicate with one another.
Now those of spiritual beliefs it says, "He that spareth the rod hateth his son/daughter: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Now the rod actually means "stick" but also shepherds stick. This means that the rod is not always there to strike but to guide. Sometimes we strike when we should be guiding. If you do not first teach then discipline goes in vain.
Texas Penal Code - PENAL § 9.61.Parent-Child states:
"The use of force, but not deadly force, against a child younger than 18 years is justified: (1) if the actor is the child's parent or stepparent or is acting in loco parentis to the child; and (2) when and to the degree, the actor reasonably believes the force is necessary to discipline the child or to safeguard or promote his welfare.
(b) For purposes of this section, “in loco parentis” includes grandparent and guardian, any person acting by, through, or under the direction of a court with jurisdiction over the child, and anyone who has express or implied consent of the parent or parents".
Now that we are on one accord again. I am not pro-spanking nor am I pro-do nothing. I am pro-consider the child and how they learn and find means of discipline appropriate for that child. It is also considered neglect if you allow your child to misbehave and someone is harmed, the property is damaged, or he/she is harmed in any way. You can be charged with the crime that your child committed and have to pay for damages. So you would want to get this behavior under control.
Ok now that we've gotten the elephant out of the room. Let's focus on the video about moms,
Our first mom. Yes, this is usually us as a first-time mom, teen mom, and mom who was raised with strict or too-lenient mom. This mom is lacking skills in how to discipline, what levels of discipline to enforce, or is very co-dependent on their child to make them happy and feel needed. As a teen mom, this was what I wanted with my daughter, for us to be best friends, like me and my mom. However, my mom disciplined us and didn't care if we didn't like her for a few hours afterward. lol So yeah about 2 years old we had to ditch the buddy system lol. My mom was there to guide me in this (she has six girls). However, now that my daughter is 26 years old with a 6-month-old she is definitely my best friend. Been that way since she turned 18 years old. I was no longer the mom that needed to discipline but a guide. My daughter and I are as close but not so close that I overstep boundaries in her life and the family she is trying to build for herself. This is a common mom in male children where the mom refuses to allow her son to grow up for fear of being alone. She depends on him for a sense of male companionship--this is what they refer to as a severe "momma's boy". Girls the mom tends to block her from gaining relationships with emotional dependence or guilt-making.
Our Second Mom. Ok, this mom has some major issues she is the controlling type. She is lacking a sense of control in herself, therefore, uses that control as a mother to build herself up through her child. This never works because she is not experiencing what her daughter is experiencing because the daughter possibly doesn't like what the mother chooses or feels overwhelmed to make it perfect for her mom. Empathy is faked to gain control and then withdrawn and used as a punishment for when the daughter doesn't act and behave as she wants. I will also make a post on Attachment Disorders as well. This mom is lacking self-awareness and success in her own life. I've seen children and adults with so many disorders due to mothers like this and our next one. Which are sometimes one and the same.
I was more controlling of my daughter as a teen because she was so into boys at the drop of 13 years old. I was set on having her not get pregnant at 15 years old like I did when I watched her every move. However, never forced her to be in sports or anything, just to attend church lol. I admit that her teens were the scariest time of my life because I didn't want anything to happen to her that would cause her to get pregnant, be raped, or come up missing. So home, church and home again were her routine. She wasn't allowed to spend the night over at friends' houses, especially those with dads or brothers. So I admit this is possibly how she felt as a teen: that I was controlling her life. Oh well, she graduated, had no kids, and now is the social queen...we'll with a 6-month-old, socialish!! But she also sees why I was so protective.
Our Third Mom. Finds success in herself by bringing her daughter down. They are always comparing and competing. However, it's the mom's lack of self-worth that causes the child to always feel as if she needs to not strive to be in the spotlight. However, she tries to connect with her mom in a normal relationship; however, her mom is only focused on who's better. This daughter can become either very competitive with friends or a shrinking violet. She shy's away from conflict or comparisons, therefore, never believing that she is good enough. She will have a hard time developing healthy relationships.
Our Fourth Parent. This parent is one who will use "Triangling" in relationships. Where her daughter would be put in every situation and argument when she is in conflict and the daughter will become her caregiver in a sense or her voice. This happens a lot in single-parent homes or homes where the father is not involved in parenting the child or being a proper spouse to the mother. Domestic violence relationships tend to have this, and both parents are often guilty of using the child to solve or express their problems. The child will definitely have issues with boundaries and "staying out of the grown folk business". In which other adults will want to discipline her and put her in a "child's place". However, she is not really a child, but an adult to her parents. She is possibly responsible for taking care of the siblings and putting everyone in the house's needs before her own. Again this occurs due to parenting issues as well as social environment issues. The mother works all day and night and feels that she shouldn't have to come home and take charge of the home the children should do so. The mother is in a relationship that is unhealthy and toxic and the child feels the need to step up and be the parent.
Looking at this, this is common in the African American and Latino communities where the belief is everyone should help in the family. Including the older siblings having a hand in raising their siblings. Therefore, older children especially in households of 3 or more children.
My mom became a single mom when I was 12/13. She was a stay-at-home mom who was forced to work to now provide for six girls. I was the 2nd to the oldest. I must say it was hard being the oldest. Plus I was also the voice-box for my mom when she was going through things. So I was the one who also carried the hidden issues and worries that mom couldn't or wouldn't say to the others.
Therefore, I admit I did this same thing to my daughter. However, as my mom did I expressed to my daughter that she was only there to watch over not take charge of her siblings. BUT YALL KNOW GIRLS. THEY ALWAYS THINK THEY ARE SOMEBODY MOMMA!! LOL, Well now she is. I think it caused her a lot of feelings of missing out on her teen years as I worked and went to school. That's why after my BA I did all of my studies online so that I could be at home. I saw how it was making her feel that she had to do this instead of something she wanted to do and I became a stay-at-home mom. Until my youngest turned 15 years old I wish I could've stayed at home for him. Talking to my children throughout my education and learning about these parenting styles, Erikson's development, Freud's psychosexual development, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, etc. I learned how to be a mom who's present and there to allow her children to shine. Mostly to feel loved.
Our fifth mom. The mother whom we see a lot in families as well. And many Tyler Perry Movies, right? lol. This is where you see the grandparents as the guardians of the children. The mom is not present, she refuses to be held down by the responsibilities of parenting because she wants to live her life. The children grow up totally dependent on the grandparent(s) and their relationship with their mom is strained. They see her as a friend. When she tries to discipline she is usually met with resistance and disrespect. However, in many cases, they tend to become delayed in growth socially and take their grandparents for granted. If they have children they depend on the grandparent to be caretakers of the child and them. They have goals and dreams; however, not able to follow through due to a lack of decision-making skills and motivation. While many children grow up to be successful they tend to have issues with commitment, parenting, and trust. Again I will have to do a post on abandonment issues.
Yeah, not me I wanted my kids with me. However, so did my mom. I moved out of the house at 23 years old. Therefore, my children always had their grandmother. Which I believe is why they strive so much to do for and look out for her. Because she did everything for them with me. I wanted this for my children because I wasn't raised around my grandparents which I always wanted. Just building a relationship with them as an adult. Which I can say is never too late, until it is.
Finally, the mother who we know is severely toxic. She is similar to the mom who is controlling and the ghost mom. She is only interested in parenting when it benefits her. She leaves the child feeling that she is not good enough and can never measure up. Also causes great competition between siblings. This keeps her in control and keeps her image intact through either child. However, one tends to rebel and get into trouble which angers the mom and she shuns the daughter and treats her as if she is a problem for her and worships the striving child all the more. The siblings in these cases have a strained relationship if any and the shunned child tends to become hateful or dismissive towards the other sibling. Her parenting skills will be challenged. However, it is when she has children that she seems to want to build a relationship with her siblings. Or stay away from the family. She will struggle in relationships due to the lack of trust and the need to be independent or isolated. The daughter who is praised will have issues in relationships by believing she has to be the perfect mom, and wife, and be well-known in the community.
This wasn't the case in our family due to my mom not putting one child above the other. However, because it was six of us. Spreading the attention out was very hard once my dad went to prison. We all depended on me so much for love, affection, and attention. That it seemed one child would be more favored. Well I see now that that child just begged more, was with mom more, and was very demanding, and that mom couldn't really tell her no. However, I was more of the understanding child, the one who tried to work with mom to bring forth the things that were needed in the family. So I was the enforcer of NO! This child was not liking the influence that I had and would compete with who could get mom to fold. When she lost she became very hostile and vindictive. So sometimes this can develop in a normal household, due to multiple children. I had one daughter, who was to herself and was that nurturer for her siblings and her mom and it balanced them out. The boys, of course, were competitive, but not as much for my time but for their sister's time, and naturally looking up to their oldest son. The youngest boy, I think was the one who needed me the most because he was more of the nurturing type instead of competition. He was a thinker like his mom and wanted to solve all the world's problems just with science (outer space exploration) and naruto lol.
I know this was a long one. I actually like having the time to reflect on this. I hope you will look through and see what your parenting style is as well. As we learned early on it is not illegal to discipline your child; however, it is illegal in the state of Texas and with God to abuse your child. Sparing the rod is one thing. However, it says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof (Proverbs 18:21)." You will bear the consequences of your words and how you treat others. This includes your child, Ephesians 6:4
And, ye fathers (mothers as well), provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and Colossians 3:21 "Fathers (Mothers as well), provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. In Luke 18:16-17, "But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein". If you can't handle the free spirit full of love and wanting to please the heart of the child; then how can you become that same image for Christ?
All of these parenting styles are due to mental health issues that occurred often in childhood to young adulthood. Depending on the timing depends on the severity of mental health issues and change. We do not always understand what our mothers endured as children. Oftentimes, we repeat what we learned from our parents or as a result of what we thought was happening in our childhood. Going back and asking questions and clarifying times and events could help you find solutions to the questions you seek and the closure you need to heal. Learning you will take time, just like it took time to build you into whom you are today.
Seeking help from a professional counselor or psychologist for these issues for they involve going deep into the traumatizing territory. I know that it is common to go to your pastor or a mental health coach. However, their practices while very beneficial; however, are also limited, and seeking help to find the root of the issues is what is needed. I believe that prayer answers all things. I believe that "Seeking God For Answers" solveth all problems!! I also believe that much work is needed in all areas to heal: mind, body, and spirit. So God Healer of Hearts strives for mental health through Christ. I do not discriminate, if you are a non-believer, my doors are always open to you...therefore, don't hesitate to call if you need help.
I pray that this helps someone!
Talk to you Soon!!
Michelle D Williams, MMFT, MAHSC, LPC, LCDC
God Healer Of Hearts Counseling Center, PC
Mesquite, Texas 75149
469-778-0022
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