https://youtu.be/yG0o6mxwdUU WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST!!!
I was looking at this clip with Pastor T. D. Jakes and literally thought about every man that comes into my office to have sessions individually or as a couple. They will literally sit here and listen to their wife talk for minutes to an hour and have no clue what she said. Example:
Session: 1 Communication
Wife: I have been feeling like you don't care about me lately. When you came home the other night I asked you to help me with the kids, and you yelled at me and said that you just got off work and to leave you alone. I had been up all morning with the kids, working, and then having to pause in between work to fix them lunch, put on dinner, and clean the house. I've been written up at my job twice this week because I have to constantly stop or go on break to take care of the kids. I do not have help in the daytime while I work. I am so tired. Then I ask you to do something so simple as to get the kids while I put the food on the table so we can eat and you get an attitude with me. Which is why I start crying and yelling at you, especially when you say that I do nothing all day. So it makes me feel that you don't love me. I need your help and for you to understand that I am tired too.
Then when they are done they pull out the one thing that they felt was most important to them.
Husband: You act as if I treat you so badly. I help you with the kids. Just the other day I played with them while you talked on the phone.
Wife: "See all that he didn't hear anything I said"
Husband: I did, you said that I never do anything for you and I never listen to you!!! I got it. But you are lying.
Me: (in the chair trying not to laugh, because I know she said so much more)
Huband: (He looks at me confused as to what he missed) and says counselor help us because I know what she said. Wife: No you don't because I never said that!!!
Husband: Stop, let her answer, and I did.
Me: (Feeling like I'm getting ready to jump in the rope for my turn to run through). I said, So out of 30 minutes to an hour of her talking you heard her say "You never do anything for her and you never listen to her"? Husband: Yeah".
Wife: Oh My God, I didn't say that!!
Me: "she never said that, those words never came out of her mouth".
Husband: Huh? She did!!
Me: Let's retrace. I really want you to get something. Because with women words are important. That may be your interpretation of what she said. But those words aren't hers. They are yours. We'll get to the deep end of your feelings in a minute.
Husband: Oh, Ok
Me. What's the first sentence that came out of your wife's mouth?
Husband: (Laughs and looks puzzled) She said a lot, you want me to remember all that?
Me: Just the first Sentence.
Husband: Ummmm, let me see, Oh she said, something about the fact that she doesn't feel that I love her!!
Me: (holds a hand up to the wife to motion to her to keep silent) That's close, she said carefully, but close enough. What else did she say?
Husband: UUmmmm, oh she started talking about one time when I came home and didn't help her with the kids.
Me: Ok, not too much detail but we'll take it. (looks over to see the wife smiling). What else?
Husband: Oh yeah, she was saying she didn't have help while she was at home or something like that.
Me. True, what next?
Husband: Oh she started venting on about me yelling at her and her being tired and something happening at her job and her crying.
Me: You got bits and pieces of it, but it's clear that you really stopped listening right here.
Husband: Yeah because that's when she said that I never do anything for her and I never listen".
Me: That she never said. Ok, What was the last thing she said to you?
Husband: um she started talking about her being up all morning and she was tired and I came yelling at her. Now the last thing I really can't say is what she said.
Me: Communication disconnect. You turn off your listening because the words start to cause you to feel angry or hurt so you came to your conclusion and try to shut her down instead of waiting till the end. So let's go back to the words you said she says, "you never do anything for her and you never listen".
Husband: Well that's what she always says. She tells me everything that I don't do all the time. So what did she say?
Me: I'll just start with the bits and pieces of the end. Because the job situation is something we will deal with separately to find a solution. (He looks at her clueless about what I meant about the job thing) She got written up, which could put her job in jeopardy if the kid's situation is not fixed.
Husband: Man, baby I didn't know you could lose your job. Ok what she says
Me: "I do not have help in the daytime while I work. I am so tired. Then I ask you to do something so simple as to get the kids while I put the food on the table so we can eat and you get an attitude with me. Which is why I start crying and yelling at you, especially when you say that I do nothing all day. So it makes me feel that you don't love me. I need your help and for you to understand that I am tired too". If you would have remembered or listened to those last two sentences, then you could have known what your wife is needing from you.
Husband: Wow!! (Looks at his wife) I'm sorry!!!
Me: Sorry for what, exactly?
Wife: For Not.......
Me: Stop!! Let him answer...
Husband: (Thinking)... I'm sorry that during the day the kids are hindering your work, as well as you doing so much for us to have us eat together. Which I do appreciate. My wife can cook. I'm sorry for causing you to feel like I don't love you and want to help, I am so sorry. I will do better in giving you help when I get off and come up with a plan so that we can have the kids away from you during the day.
Wife: Well you don't have to do anything, I know you are tired when you get home.
Me: Why did you do that?
Wife: Me!
Me: Yes, why did you do that?
Wife: What did I do?
Me. You literally just erased all you said you needed. Why are you being dismissive of your own needs and then giving an excuse for him? We just spent another 30 minutes getting him to see what you need for him and you canceled all that. Why?
Wife: Because I know he is tired when he comes home and the man should be able to rest and do nothing. But it's hard for me to do it alone.
Me: Then why did you cancel yourself out? Why did you just now, give him permission to ignore you and continue things as they were? Proverbs 14:1 "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands".
Wife: But I didn't do anything wrong.
Me: You did, you communicated what you wanted and needed from your husband. He agreed to change and do better. But because you want to be the hero, you tear apart or in this case reject the help that you need. WHY DON'T YOU Cherish you?
Wife: I see now, I guess it's just me. I Do for everyone and don't want anyone to feel bad. I feel that he is getting handled by you and I don't want you to see him as bad.
Me: I handled him? Or did I walk him through your need and he saw his wrong and what he needed to do to be a better husband for you? Again this is all the communication process. Because If I wasn't here to point this out to you. He will leave here thinking that it's ok to leave things as is. So that's why you keep having to repeat what you need, because when you make up. You cancel the order. Stop doing that. He's a man, trust me he'll be ok.
Husband: Well you did kind of handle me right there lol, but I needed it and you are right she says that after every argument. And it confuses me.
Me: Well, you are not confused now. Tend to your house and family. Or you won't have one to come home to. Wife: I really need to work on that. That stems from my childhood being the oldest and having to take off my siblings and not wanting them to get in trouble.
Me. Exactly. Well, we will hit that next week, because we are an hour overtime. But communication takes longer. Next week Boundaries.
Both: Oh Lord!!
Summary as a whole:
How many of you deal with this very thing in your marriage? How many of you have severe breakdowns in your communication with your spouse? As you can see from the video and the illustration that communication in the relationship is key to understanding and in your relationship. If in the video he was a man who asked his wife on a daily basis how was his day. When he asked what we are having for dinner she would have simply said chicken. Why? Because she knows his next question would be how was your day and he will listen and comment on it. However, he ask one question, What are we eating and walk to the living room and sat till its time to eat. So this woman improvised. She waits till the perfect question comes along and fills in everything that she's been wanting to vent about but couldn't. In the session, she brought up everything that she can think of to point out everything she was going through.
That's how you get oh my mom came by today and the sink not working, oh and your mom called and we talked about sister Bertha at the church and the hat she wore, and oh, yeah we eating chicken.
Summary For The Men: She uses this grand opportunity to tell you because you are listening!!! Because you want to know what are we eating; You keep your ears open and focused on her. Therefore, she gets her need to gab met indirectly and know what you're about to eat...why you are eating this, how it was obtained, why you better say it tastes good, and to thank her after your done eating. We're talking ...y'all just not listening!!! If you ask her more often about her, she won't have to play catch you up when you ask her a question.
So you want to know why she won’t just say chicken!! Because then you will stop listening.
But this is not for just men. Women, keep it short!!! If you know that your husband has the attention span of a grape. You have 2 minutes to sum it up and get to the point. lol
I hope you all got something from this. Talk To You Soon
Michelle D. Williams, MMFT, LPC, LCDCW
02/03/2023
P.S. To men who read the entire page raise your hand. I want to applaud you. For men who read the summary for men, call me...we have work to do lol.
CopyRight:
I do not own the rights to the video and pictures. They are images downloaded off the internet.
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