Many couples come into the office and their main complaint is: “We argue all the time. If we can’t fix the arguing then we may need to separate or divorce”. Arguing is the beginning phase of finding a solution. Often times couples get stuck in being “problem-focused” that they lose hope of finding a solution. The argument about the problem becomes a fixation because one or both refuse to look within to find the solution!!
I have my clients to individually:
1) Write down three main problems they are having.
It’s crazy how it’s the majority of the time not enough sex for the man and not being
heard or loved as the woman.
2) Write down how this lack or problem cause you to feel.
Focusing on the validation of your own feelings lessens The need for approval or
validation of the other person. This also builds confidence and courage when it’s time to
present your argument and put in place boundaries
3) come up with 3 different solutions to every problem.
These solutions should not be one-sided. They should include the needs and values of the
spouse. They should be realistic and measurable to determine if the change is being made.
4) Present them to the spouse
The presentation is not to convince or pursued the other person to agree with your
solutions but just to address the issues, feelings, and potential solutions. The presentation
should be no more than 30mins to an hour long. It should not go in overtime, because
then this crosses the boundary of not considering the other person's time and plans that
he/she had before they gave you the opportunity to present. In other words "don't wear
out your welcome". Over 30 minutes should be questions that may be needed for clarity
and/or scheduling a time to meet again.
5) Give the other person time to think and reflect on what you presented without pressure
or ridicule. And to counter present problems, feelings, and solutions ON THE SAME
TOPIC(s) until an agreement has been made.
Do not allow weeks to go by. This should be planned within the same week, not over a 4-
day period. If you cannot take out one hour to communicate, this is a problem. You should
never be too busy to communicate with your spouse. Put it in the phone as a reminder and
calendar with an alarm. You should never forget time set aside for one another because it
causes negative thinking, and poor conclusions. "He never has time for me". She just
wants to give instructions and not listen to my side". He/She doesn't love me". Don't set
your spouse up to have a reason not to trust you.
6) If no agreement can be made then Boundaries Must Be Put In Place
Often times in a relationship one person doesn’t agree to the terms and needs of the other.
Therefore, in order to keep peace and restore balance in the relationship, boundaries
need to be put into a place that will protect from continued harm. If no agreement has
been made then boundaries need to be put in place. Often times that boundary can be the
solution. However, the boundary must be fair.
Let’s give an Example:
1) late home for dinner
2) cause me to feel unloved, unappreciated, taken for granted, devalued, a waste of time and space, mistreated, and stupid for loving your needs over my own.
3)when you come home late for dinner it causes me to feel that you are not interested in spending time with me or the family. It also is an inconvenience to me that you show up two hours after, I have cleaned the kitchen, put up the food, and prepared for bed. Then when you come home late you are wanting me to get up make your plate and start the process all over again. I have to be at work in the morning early (or be with the kids) and it causes me to lose sleep. I am so tired the next day, that I can't focus and function.
4) a) be on time for dinner with me/family
b) call to inform me that you will be eating out with friends or family or working late. That I won’t wait for you.
c) if you do show up late then you will have to make your own plate or I will put your food in the microwave and you are to clean the kitchen behind yourself. That you not disturb my sleep nor eliminate my efforts to clean the home before going to bed.
5). if you need time to think about what I said could we talk more in a day or two? If not then we can come together tomorrow to hear your thoughts on this matter. If an agreement is made after both parties have come together then perfectly adhere to the agreement and revise as needed.
6). Solution 1&2 cannot be boundaries because it causes you to have to force or inflict control on the other person. Boundaries are responses that you make as a result of others' behavior. In this case, 3 is the only one that can be used as a boundary because it allows for personal change and needs to protect from further harm.
I hope this example helps with making your marriage more loving.
Talk To You Soon,
Michelle Denise Williams, MMFT, MAHSC, LPC, LCDC
God Healer Of 💕Hearts💕Counseling Center, PC
4850 Samuell Blvd
Mesquite, Texas 75149
469-778-0022
Will edit later today! Completed on my phone. I hope you all continue to seek solutions in your marriage!